untitled

2006-01-30T13:28:00.000+08:00

bored to death. im serious.

2006-01-23T12:51:00.000+08:00

im gonna repeat this, the hundredth time, I LOVE YOU ONLY. why is it so hard for you to believe these 3 words? why?

i loved xiangting for fucking 4 years. since i was 16. she was my first love. can i explain this theory of love? no matter what you do, no matter what you feel, no matter what you think, the love you have for someone that you love for 4 years will not just fade just like that. have you ever heard of this saying, "it takes a minute to fall in love but it takes years to forget."?

the love is no longer there... but sometimes you'll think about it. when you see that person again, sometimes it triggers everything.. but that doesnt mean i dont love you anymore. u understand me?

yesterday i asked you, if we break off and you found someone new, would you still remember me? you said no. a flat no. let me ask you, if your love is this strong, you will never forget me. you'll remember me even when you've found someone new. its different feeling. its never the same between you and xiangting.

i dont want to explain myself anymore. if you think im lying, then you make a choice. i dont want to repeat myself again and again.

people will always think im the blardy fucking bad guy. but my pain, does anyone know? sometimes your words are fucking piercing but i will never tell you. sometimes your words, they hurt. but i'll never tell you.

sometimes when you are so ignorant about things around you, and when i talk to you, you seem like you dont bother, it hurts.

it hurts badly, ya know? do you know that? of course you dont.

you're so ignorant. you dont bother to find out whats going on around you. wake up. and look around you.

you always chose not to trust me when such things like this happen. you chose to be the one who feel the hurt, and let everyone thinks that im fucking bad guy here. you just couldnt wait to put yourself in my shoes and just immediately feeling offended, building walls and feel hurt.

i dont even knwo what the hell im talking about now. all i know is that, you still havent know me.

2006-01-22T21:57:00.000+08:00

got words to say to certain people.

xiangting: err.. thank you very much for that expensive wallet you got for me during xmas. and im quite surprised that you still remember that wallet i wanted to get 8 months ago. im really surprised. but anyway, thank you very much. anyway i wanna say something to you. u remember that night you sent me this mp3 - Wang Lee Hom's Ai Cuo? and you asked me to listen carefully to the lyrics of the song? actually i didnt understand much, but after much clarification of the lyrics, i finally realised what you were trying to say.

to tell you frankly, my feelings has never faded. its still within me. but i prefer and decided to put all behind me. you know, i have a girlfriend who loves me. despite having so much troubles together, i still love her. but yes, if she hasnt come into the picture, i would choose you, once again. but this love is already faded. and you didnt love wrongly.. its just that you didnt treasure what you had previously.. and once it left your side, it will never come back.. ever again.. im sorry.

i know. you still love me. but as much as i wanna return that feelings, i couldnt. im loving someone else. xiangting, put everything behind you, ok? i love you, as a friend now. and whenever you need me, im right there by your side.

jane : hey. how are you? its so weird, returning back to school and then you're looking so different from the last time i saw you. whats wrong girl? you wanna talk to me about it? the rest of the guys are worried about you but you dont seem wanna tell us anything. talk to me, k? remember i told you, we are always buddies!! so... pLeASe TaLK to MEEeeeeEEE!!

sophie : hmpf. i hate you. haha! you ah. always wanting to make fun of me! you good!!!!

wei long the sick bastard : oi. your porn cd is with me, still. you asshole, everything ask me to bring back. you better claim back before i dispose them. all your porn cds!

jiajun : hehehehehe! i know your secret!!!

sonia : hey, you're pretty enough. what liposuction?!

audrey : haha.. i havent told my girlfriend about you. and no, im not marrying a 2nd wife. be my mistress lor! lol!

felicia : COUSIN FEL!! MY GUITAR!!! THANK YOU FOR BUYING IT FOR ME ON XMAS!!! I LOVE YOU SO DEARLY!!

chester : WAH! YOU FAST WORKER! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW MEMBER IN YOUR FAMILY!

ah dang : eat your bak kua and shut up.

lastly...

liting : im sorry. i cant accept your feelings....

2006-01-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

i love my girlfriend. and she has become like my life support system to encourage me to live and breathe... and its because of her, i could stand up on my two feet and walk on like i've never done it before.

darling, problems between you and boey can never affect us. even she, herself, told me that i shouldnt take sides and i should decide what i wanna do. i wanna love you, and that's what i wanna do. but i have to settle the conflict between you and her because both of you are the people i really love.

she may not be my lover but she's my cousin and my beloved sister. she's been there for me, she was the first one who taught me how to walk, and she's been by my side, just like an elder sister to me.

and im glad both of you settled things because i know you love each other but the pride has stopped each other from moving on. but im so thankful to god that things have been resolved. and i can still love you.

believe me, i'll never leave you.. no matter what the circumstances are because i love you. and you'll always be the one for me.

sweetie, i love you so much.. and i wanna treasure you all the time..

*hugs tightly*

I LOVE YOU DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*MUACKS*

2005-12-28T13:19:00.000+08:00

its been two days. but i still cant understand what i've done wrong. or what i've said wrongly. i mean, you just had an operation and yes, the doctors said you should be recovering in 2 weeks time. but if you really care about your health and ensuring nothing bad will happen, you would stay at home for one more week to be on the safe side.

i know its just a minor operation but you're allergic to antibiotics. i think that's the reason why im strongly against of your trip to KL. u get what i mean? if you're not allergic to antibiotics, then no problem. what if you get infection and had to be rush to KL hospital and they wouldnt know your medical background? u wanna risk yourself for such event? i wouldnt, and i dont want you to be in such risk. you understand my intentions?

adults going with you? are they doctors? and you said you'll be careful with what you're eating, are you the one who's gonna cook? you cant even resist chocolates that boey gave to your parents. and how am i supposed to be comforted by the fact that you cant resist?

this is not talking about trust. you're simply stubborn and yet you accused me for saying that. i know im stubborn. but this is for your own good. just for your own good and my good intentions are blardy farking backfired.

if i dont care about you, i would just let u go. just go. and if anything happens to you, i'll not feel sorry. do you want me to be like that? or stop you from doing things that you love to do but unfortunately, this is not the right time to do it?

i didnt stopped you on purpose but its out of concern. i didnt want to explain to you because you would give me reasons like "hey, i know how to care of myself." or " dont worry, got adults with me." or maybe "im ok le. doctor said 2 weeks can le."

u didnt even went to see doctor to seek for sort of permission. see if you're really alright to travel. but no. is this how you treat your health? so lightly? is this how important your life is? and is this how much i meant to you?

u think im being so compulsive about everything that i dont care about your feelings and just accuse you anyhow? i talked to you nicely on sms but you were so adamant to go. so i got pretty pissed off and had some sarcastic remarks and then you got pretty mad at me for not considering your feelings. have you ever considered mine that night?

do you know how it feels when im so concerned about your health but you didnt bother about it at all? dont you know how's frustrating it can be?

boey said let you go. let you have fun but i wouldnt let u go unless i know you're sure `bout your own health and situation. if you didnt had the op and u wanna haf fun, go ahead. i dont mind.

but...........

forget about it.

im the bad guy again. and i'll always be the bad guy to your friends.

happy new year.

hope it brings you the best year round.

2005-12-24T22:41:00.000+08:00

i heard. a million stories that can touch your heart with. i listen. a hundred songs senerading the rhythm of love. i seen. a billion lovers sharing their lives together happily.

so much for a fairytale that can suddenly be a tradegy for a broken heart, wishing that every tear can help reduce the pain, that every stab of the twisting knife and the curse of love on a shattered dream of unsuspecting victim of that beautiful sharing of two strangers in one heart.

too much to absorb? there's a girl who's silly and crazy. i've read her horoscope twice and both stated the same thing.

LEO

he/she can love for someone who can be unworthy of his or her love and she will continue to love as long as her heart can take it.

LEO

when leo falls in love, its the most beautiful story a leo will write, even its for someone who's unworthy for any of its pleasure of perfect unison.

so when leo is in love, he or she will plunge into it. but mind you, there's a limit to patience where one can have. and if he or she stops loving, there's not turning around.

this is a story of my silly cousin. she believes and tries not to give up on love as so easily but the other party just refuses to understand the gift of her love.

but she's taking it easy. she's even smiling despite that bleeding heart beneath. and the pain and the hate she keeps within.

me and flynn kept asking the same old questions.

why always her?
why do you love so deeply for someone who seems oblivious to your gift?

and she would answer.

"because im weak, beneath."

is that true?

perhaps one day, when she decides she should choose to live in style, to be someone important or even a celebrity in kind, i wanna see all those bastards and bitches come running after her again.

apologies. anger raging like fire. because love is insane. love makes someone stupid or silly in anyway. how strong you can be in your entire life but when it comes to love, it drops you like a bombshell. and down the pit you go and stays there till you crawl your way out of it.

but i hope. i pray. that love will be lenient to my silly cousin. because we love her. and we wanna see, she's happy somehow in the name of love.

as for me. im still so in love with my girlfriend. she's worth more than anything else. trust me. i would risk my life for her. i would die for her. i would cry a river for her. and everything i do is for her.

I LOVE YOU JOLENE HO! YES I DO!

2005-12-18T15:04:00.000+08:00

dont ask me. im happier now.

2005-12-16T13:52:00.000+08:00

[ jie shou - liang jingru ]

i just cant help it but putting this song on repeat mode. somehow this song justifies the feelings i've inside. the fear. the threat. the pain. not knowing whats going on in my relationship with her anymore.

her words are still lingering on my mind..

"not fading... i dont dare to love further."

upon hearing those words, this song came to my mind as immediate as it could. she doesnt want to carry on like this anymore. and when i asked her what does she want, she couldnt give me an answer.

im not too sure what i should do... she's in the surgery room right now, removing her tonsils. i just couldnt help it but to drop down on my knees and i pray constantly for her safety and recovery. it may just be a minor op but its enough to cast an impending cloud over me. its like a 1000 pins piercing through your body but you cant do anything to stop the pain.

i dont wish to leave it hanging like this but i just couldnt bring myself to force me to give me an answer last night. i think to me, right now her health is more important than my own pain.

[ without love - 5566 ]

maybe one day you'll understand... the fear i have inside... i pray for your speedy recovery.. in the meantime, i'll sit in my own place, wishing that this pain will just disappear.

i love you.

2005-12-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

[ ye qu - jay chou ]

listening to jay's latest album, November Chopin. well, this album is ok bah. most of the songs sound almost alike as those tracks from his previous albums. but since he's talented and all, im sure his fans will not complain or anything. i dont really care actually.

chester wong, congratulations on your impending wedding coming 23 december. i cant believe, you're getting married, bro. the soon-to-be wifey is so lucky to have you as her life partner. gonna miss those times we spent together as brothers. and i never realised, you're already 28! damn you, why you still look so young?!

anyway, congratulations to chester wong & felicia lee. hope to see little chesters and felicias running around, filling your life with more love and hope and of course happiness. all the best!!

[ fa ru xue - jay chou ]

i've been listening to this, on repeat mode. oh, haha! sorry alison & francine, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, sw3eties! i was so involved in your big brother's wedding, i totally forgotten about the two lovely ladies. HAPPY 25th birthday!!

edgar wong, you owe flynn a chocolate. he asked me to include in this blog. *shrugs* settle your scores with him ya? hahaha! :P

/me ponders.

eh. come to think of it. edgar, you're already 23 hor. creepz! you, chester, alison & francine look so damn blardy young!

haha, anyway, good to know that. stay young always ya? :P

congratulations to XIANG TING! you become a first time aunt! that's a lovely picture of your nephew. congratulations!! *waves* hello baby nathan! :P

and xiangting, if people dont know, they'll think that little boy is your son. you look like his mother, giving him the loving tender love and constant care for him. let his mama have her chance ya? HAHA!

and he has a little bit resemblance of you leh. *winks* anyway, congratulations!!

and lastly, my loving wifey!! good luck for your exams ok? jiayou! you'll do it well!!!!!!!!!!!! *muacks muacks*

I LOVE YOU!

2005-11-20T13:32:00.000+08:00

congratulations to my 2 respective vocalists, jean and esther. congrats for your success!! must jia you ya? :))

i have 2 little babies around me all the time. one is my lil bro, fernell and the other is my little niece, nurul. they give me the warmth feeling whenever im down.. and not forgotting kiki and yifi.my two lovely kittens!! hehehehe.... *huggies kiki and yifi*

but the reason why im blogging is because i miss my girlfriend..... i miss her so much...... :( laopo, i miss you...! *muacks*

2005-11-11T00:10:00.000+08:00

"you came across to me as someone intellectual." that was the very first sentence came from kelly's friend, jacque. i went out for awhile with flynn to meet kelly and her colleague, jacque. the pronounciation is "jackie" and she has a certain air around her. she's about 10 years older.. and she's a divorcee with a 4 year old boy. she brought the little tyke out as well...

i didnt really want to talk to her. but there were 4 of us. the couple stood one corner and started their lovey dopey nonsense. so i had no choice but to entertain the bored looking jacque. she appeared to me as someone who is very confident, intelligent and she definitely has the aura of a businesswoman.

and she's an excellent observer. i was quiet most of the time, then she asked "the aura surrounds you telling me you're feeling down. you have problems?"

i was taken aback. how did she know?

" i know. because i took psychology during my uni years."

that's impressive, but i didnt indulge my problems to her. she understands, i have my privacy and she has no right to ask me further than that. but this is the first time i have a very strong impression of this lady. no.. not that i like her physically or emotionally, but she's definitely someone i would like to have conversations with.

yes, i know im attached people. but that doesnt mean i dont love my gf anymore.. its just that, its hard to find someone like jacque. i just wanna blog about this, because, this is the very first time, im in awe in the presence of a lady. jacque gave her number to me, she said i could call her anytime.

but first, i have to ask my wife's permission. if she says i can call, then i will call. i love my girlfriend. and i really want to make things work between us. but i dont know how.. any love experts out there, can tell me what we should do?

i love her and i never wanna lose her again....

2005-11-10T16:51:00.000+08:00

here i am, slugging away, burying myself deep in my notes but nothing could get into my tired brain, my sluggish body and the aching bones, chilled by the air con room. my coursemates gaming on the laptops, yelling in vulgarities and teasing girls is their personal favourite game. i just couldnt be bothered with the activities and fiona is beside me, studying. occassionally turn to look at me, probably wondering why im distracted in one way or another. i smiled ruefully, then she shrugged her shoulders and paid attention to the other guys. hairullah is blasting hari raya songs on his laptop, well, he's in the mood, still.

i couldnt think. couldnt breathe. and surprisingly, i dont feel blessed anymore. its more of tiredness. im feeling lethargic, with the constant arguements i had with her for the past few days. it seems that nothing is going right. perhaps she's tired, and hence, she doesnt really bother to explain things to me anymore, she just let it be. and as for me, im tired of her "bo chup" attitude towards our relationship, and constantly find faults within her flaws... which is just minor things but often blew up in huge proportions. im tired of living my heart loving someone this way.

i want her to know i do care. and i favour changes. if i can change, why wouldnt she tell me, "yes dear, if you change, then i'll change too." but most of the time, it seems her answers to everything i said is something she expected from me. and she even questioned me, "you sure, u wanna do this? change yourself so much for her?" i dont need you to question me again. i just need you to tell me that these changes will do us good. and you will too, play your part in making things work.

sometimes i feel, you dont know me well, still. sweet-honeyed and loving tender words are all i need to make me feel better, but, you'll often leave me cold and bereft. telling me, you would leave me alone, so that i can cool down. why do i need that?! i need your assurance like i've often said to you. i was on the verge of giving up.

i asked this same question, probably this is the 100th time to myself. "would it be better if im all alone?" well, had this conversation with fiona 15 mins ago... and this is how the conversation was like :

me : how does it feel to be single? ( fiona is single)

she looked at me scornfully, probably disturbed my question.

fiona : its different for different individuals. i dont mind being single. it gives me freedom but sometime loneliness.

me : ic. are you attached before?

she seems to look offended.

fiona : wah, im not pretty enough meh?!

me : no lah. its just a question and im gonna ask another question if you say yes. if no, i will just need your opinion then.

her face softens.

fiona : you look tired, emotionally. whats wrong? relationship woes?

me : sort of.

fiona : so what's the problem?

me : two different worlds, two different individuals, and still cant seem to merge to be one. the heart beat is different.

fiona stared at me.

fiona : why so chimz?

me : ok, simply puts, we quarrelled too often these few days.

fiona : ah... honeymoon period is over huh?

me : guess so.

fiona : well, you love her right?

thats the question i find it hard to answer. i know i love her but whenever those words spoken from my lips, it doesnt mean the same. i just say it for the sake of saying it.

fiona : wait, you're too quiet for your own good. feelings fade?

me : im feeling detached.

fiona : aiyo, what happened? i thought things are going alright for both of you?

me : i thought so, but reality checks, no.

fiona : i think, its good to leave things alone for awhile.

now, its my turn to stare at her in disbelief.

fiona : time out.

me : serious?

fiona : not a break up, but just a time out. contact less of each other. let her have some time alone. and you, have your own time alone. when u miss her so much, your feelings will grow deeper. absence makes the heart grows fonder.

me : she will feel the same?

fiona : its a test u know. a test to see how strong this relationship is. if she seems to fade away from you during the time out, and even when you contact her again, she seems to be distant, then you know, u two are not meant to be together. if she really loves you so much, she will be the one who will make an attempt to contact you. if she doesnt, then, u let go.

me : that's how u broke off with your boyfriend?

fiona : yeah. we grew pretty tired. so when time out, i just took the liberty to sit down and think about our relationship. and i just realised, i dont wanna be with him anymore.

me : oh okies...

i drifted into my own thoughts again. just then, josh's laptop was playing a luther vandross's number. the song is entitled "here and now".

One look in your eyes and there I see
Just what you mean to me
Here in my heart
I believe
Your love is all I'll ever need
Holdin' you close through the night
I need you, yeah

I look in your eyes and there I see
What happiness really means
The love that we share makes life so sweet
Together we'll always be
This pledge of love feels so right
And, ooh, I need you

Here and now
I promise to love faithfully (Faithfully)
You're all I need
Here and now
I vow to be one with thee (You and me),
hey Your love is all (I need) I need
Say, yeah, yeah...

When I look in your eyes, there I'll see
All that a love should really be
And I need you more and more each day
Nothin' can take your love away
More than I dare to dream
I need you

Here and now

this song brings tears to my eyes. i could never forsake you. i could never give myself that time alone, not without you. i dont wanna lose you in the process. but im tired. im feeling so tormented inside. detached. and i desperately want us to be together, to solve all the problems and indifferences we have between us. and dont quarrel anymore...

but i just dont know how. im getting so tired inside. really tired inside..

and the question still lingers on my mind.....

is it time to leave?
are we not meant to be together?

i dont know...
and i just couldnt find the right answers to everything.

someone, pls help me.

2005-11-05T14:29:00.000+08:00

[ melt away - mariah carey ]

You come to me with a casual flow
And suddenly, my defences start to go
When you talk to me in that sensual tone
It envelops me and I lose my self control

And baby, I just melt away
Fall like rain
Everytime I see your face, I go off
I just want to break it down
Anytime you come around
Maybe I could melt away in your arms

Imagining that your taking it slow
And so tenderly
Till the feeling overflows
When you look at me
I go soft and cave in
And I can't conceal that I'm slowly weakening

And baby, I just melt away
Fall like rainEverytime I see your face, I go off
I just want to break it down
Anytime you come around
Maybe I could melt away in your arms

You and me in a cloud of reverie
Spin around inside my head unendingly
Thoughts run wild as I sit and rhapsodize
Pretty pictures of what I'd do if you were mine

And baby, I just melt away
Fall like rain
Everytime I see your face, I go off
I just want to break it down
Anytime you come around
Maybe I could melt away in your arms

And baby, I just melt away
Fall like rain
Everytime I see your face, I go off
I just want to break it down
Anytime you come around
Maybe I could melt away in your arms

i kinda like this song. pretty nice.. smooth and r&b likeness. although the singer is no longer a legend diva, she's more of half paranoid, half psychopath kind of person. but still, her latest singles are pretty cool. perhaps, she has finally decide to be the way she used to be.

i just couldnt understand. but once again, she did it. she did something that i really hate the most. i really hate not to be told. yes, u told me once. but it was so long ago, i would have forgotten. when i asked you yesterday, you said you'll be home.. arghhh!..

i just hate it when you didnt do things the way i want you to. u should know my character. you should know how i would react. im pissed. really pissed. i just dont wanna talk to you about this anymore..

i gave up. gave up trying to be understanding to you when you couldnt just do a simple thing. i've had enough to keep it inside, when everytime you just forgot that i hate to be told at the last minute.

just do whatever you want.. i gave up. i wont stop you anymore.. just go ahead and do the things you want..

im really pissed. really damn pissed.

2005-10-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

while i was typing my login name and password into blogger, flynn stared at me and then said "whats up with that little pinkie?" i looked at my little pinkie and wondering what the hell was he talking about. i dont see any cuts or anything.

then he said "no, when you type, it was like this!" he showed me. ok. he said i look like a gay, putting my pinkie out while typing. "since when you so gu niang?!" i just stared at him in disbelief.

"I cant seem to control it when im typing." he laughed. boey was too tired to laugh, she just smiled. i was staring at him, with a thumping headache.

my brain is going THUMP THUMP!! i just had a quarrel with mygirl. i mean, aiyah, i dont know lah. somehow, she forgot that i dont like it when she doesnt inform me if she's going out or something. she knows my character pretty well, yet she's doing it again and again.

its ok now.. although the headache is getting worse by the minute. maybe i shouldnt be bothered at all. maybe its time for me to let her do whatever she wants. i can sense, she's feeling restricted. its not that i want to control, i just want her to tell me. at least i know where she is somehow.

wong zachary, you are getting very paranoid, yet again. i dont know lah... im in pain. great pain. the baby's sleeping, everyone is. boey is studying but i dont think she can get anything in her head. she's awfully feeling very tired now. i think i'll ask her to sleep. tomorrow then study.

i've got nothing much to say actually, except for the fact, that i miss her all over again. darling, i miss you. come home quickly. i love you.

2005-10-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

[ never thought ( that i could love ) - dan hill ]

this song goes out to all the babies in the world. well, my cousin's going to have a little baby girl either tonight or tomorrow. isnt that wonderful? but she's been in the hospital for the whole day. well, delivering a baby isnt a chicken feet job. it takes alot of courage, energy, power and of course love, to bring another life into this earth.

well, i was in the hospital for awhile. i dragged the almost looking so lethargicly boey to the nursery and we were so excited to see so many babies lying side by side, sleeping peacefully. and i was almost in love with one. she's a little cute baby girl and her eyes were looking directly at me. urmm, she probably couldnt recognise me or could barely see me but i did say something to her. "here, little darling, welcome to earth!" you know, at that point, it sounded so stupid because it left boey laughing, despite she was so damn blardy tired. ( she's sleeping anyway now.. poor her. )

but the most amazing was, that little darling smiled. yes, she smiled at me!!! boey was stunned. i was so excited and i can tell you, im flattered! that sweet little girl in her pink napkin, covering her tightly. i supposed, she heard me! i wanted to know her name. so i knocked gently on the panes and asked the nurse, "whats her name?" i pointed to that little darling.

the nurse walked out and asked me if i knew her, but i said i didnt however i would like to know her name. then she said "oh. its a chinese girl. her name is anastacia li mixue." nice right?! she was born this morning. i gleefully turned back to look at her and she was still looking at me.

she's just like a little angel. well that smile she gave was really astounding.. i was on cloud nine.. perfectly in love with this little girl. and i wish she's mine. *hint hint to the wifey*

boey said im getting too affectionate with the little girl le, so she pulled me back to the delivery suite. i waved at little mixue good bye.. i think i will go and visit her again tomorrow! i cant wait for nurul to be born. nurul is my cousin's future daughter's name. the name sounds so gentle on your lips and im sure she's as an angel as little mixue. this is the perfect night, despite the thunder storm and heavy rain.

i've gotten sick. and boey is having fever. but its all worth it. im amazed by how little creation like this will eventually be a darling angel. a baby who arrives into this world, not only be the joy of his/her parents, but also a joy to strangers.. who cant keep his eyes off that little mixue.

i thank god for his beautiful creation. i thank god for this life he has created. i pray little mixue and all the other babies in the nursery will grow up as pretty girls and handsome boys, smart and be fantastic people in the future. these are the future generation who's gonna look after me when im old. so, i do hope they will have a bright future.

im so in love with the babies. ok. let me explain why im so in love with little mixue. she has these wonderful curls just above her ears. her hair looks so smooth and gentle.. brownish and her eyes are simple captivating.. not really big eyes but not exactly small. but those eyes really fit into her little angelic face... and her skin seems to be snowy white.. she's abit red... not lobster red.. but just simply nice red... her parents are so lucky to have such beautiful baby. im sure she's gonna be a pretty little girl. the nurse said this little angel has dimples! well, i couldnt see them because she aint smiling.. :( im so sad.. dont have the privilege to see but nevertheless, i will try to see tomorrow, again! lol!

i sound so bian tai right? but hey, she's beautiful. really indeed. i really wish she's mine. hehehehehehehe *cheeky grins* its in process people! if my wifey gives me the green light! *sticks tongue out*

alright now, that's all for today. shall be back tomorrow and hopefully with the world preview of our little angel. the photo of baby Nurul Wahyuni Ummairah on my blog. :)

signing off now!

wong zachary mohammad sallehudin@huang shanle.

damn blardy long right my name? its on my ic lor. baaaaa!~

2005-10-25T15:56:00.000+08:00

the sky's clear now. and it is all going to be okay. hear me now, as i hold your hand, and even if your tears wont stop flowing, you'll be alright, you're okay..

you heard the bad news yesterday and your heart is breaking apart all again, never mind, its ok, so hear me now, as i hold your hand, and even if the pain is elevating, you'll be alright, you're okay...

and thats when you look me in the eyes, i was completely offguard, there's too much sorrow for you to bear, and the adrenalin of your bleeding heart seems to cease, and that's when you say....
chorus:
"hold my hand now, and say to me. im going to be alright. im going to believe you, and i trust, for one last time.. so hold me tight, even if i cant stop crying, just hold me, as you would say, its okay, im going to be alright.."

im holding your hand now, is there any comfort within me to you? i may not understand what's on your mind right now, i will not be the best person to say "i know how you're feeling right now."

but i wanna be the one to hold your hand, and even if you wont believe me at all, still, im gonna say, you'll be alright, you're okay now..

and then you looked at me, smiling again... and then you whispered again..

Chorus:

Bridge:
ooh baby.. woahh...

so let me hold your hand, just the both of us, and even if you wont understand why, this part of your journey will be mine as well, as im gonna say, darling, you'll be alright, you're okay now...

Chorus:

hush.. dont cry... coz baby, here's my hand.. you'll be alright, you're okay now..

this is a song just written about half an hour ago, was goofing around with my guitar, and then boey joined me. she was holding on to her pail and started hitting it with her pen. its like a drum beat and together with my "goofiness" of the guitar, we created a rhythm.

i was staring at her and she was looking at the sky.. then she was telling me "eh, listen to this." and that's when the first sentence of the song was created.. and then so on...i know its not really fantastically written. but it was just 5 mins.. when we created the continouse rhythm for it.. not easy. i wish i had my keyboard with me... then we'll be able to perform the whole song...

*thinks*

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... i shall refine and retune everything. then play it to boey and then i'll perform it in school.. see what others think. but for those who's reading this, share with us. i'll try to record it and put it on my blog, so tat you can listen. :))

im going back to goof around with my guitar again. boey is rolling around the house with her "anti-social" attitude again.

hey darling, i love you!! *muacks*

2005-10-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

no replies from your tag.
no messages on my tag.

nothing from you.
are you really going to ignore me for 3 days?

and boey said you're sleeping now.

fine..
i'll just leave you alone.

2005-10-21T02:47:00.000+08:00

im a naughty boy, again. yes. me. AGAIN. i just created the worst joke ever and never think of mygirl's feelings. and now she's a lil teeeeny weeeny mad at me. ( even though i've apologised profusely )

well. i miss her, already. what? yes, i made her upset again. i just dun understand myself. why do i have to upset her time and time again? and i thought i've done, well somehow a good job by not being mad with her earlier on. i somehow forgotten that she's the sensitive type. i guess, i went overboard with my jokes. well this what i said to her.

i was typing in mirc.

*ezu`sick got up and hugs dear at her waists
*ezu`sick frowns.
ezu`sick said : dear, i cant seem to close my arms. :X

and that caused the outrage. she got pretty upset with me and even said she wanna ignore me for 3 days. i didnt realise that those words could hurt her sensitive heart... her gentle ways... well, i was never, mark my words, NEVER been a great boyfriend to her. i NEVER failed to make her upset.. again and again...

although she might said she's forgiven me, but the conversation was pretty cold and her words were short and simple. no dear. no darling. and she even said, sometimes she just wish she wouldnt be so soft hearted. i never wanted her to be. but seriously, i was joking, genuinely. i was trying to entertain her at this time, when she couldnt sleep. but what the hell, i made her angry with me instead.

i just couldnt stand the way she answered me. so i just had to leave the channel. because i was getting pissed myself. i guess i got my own medicine back. its karma. what goes around, comes around. and i definitely nailed it on myself. darn it.

seriously, being a typical guy, i just couldnt fathom why she's so upset about. normally, she would retaliate and threaten me with her own style.. but today, she somehow snapped at me. did i went overboard guys? tell me ok?

im feeling awful now. i just couldnt get back to sleep. i mean, i really didnt mean to hurt her in that sense. *slaps himself* i should be more sensitive to her feelings. i should be more careful with my words. she's not the same as other girls and she doesnt like sacarsm.. but i was seriously joking.

guess, its already been said and done. and i couldnt take back the time to take back all my words.

but i have this to say to her.

darling, im really sorry. i know i've said so many "sorries" just now but i am really really sorry. please forgive me. i promise i will never create such stupid jokes on you anymore.. i mean, i didnt mean to mock at you but i was really kidding. my eyes are filled with tears now. and im not using this as to gain sympathy or for you to turn soft all again. you have the right to be mad at me.. and i wont say anything. but i sincerely wish you could forgive this stupid guy of yours.

scold me the next time around, if i ever say such hurting words again. the truth is, i love you. i really love you so much, so much that right now it hurts so badly inside.. i dont think i'll be sleeping tonight.. im feeling so guilty right now that i wish someone would just slap me across my face.

although its only been 5 mins since i left the channel, but im missing you so much... and it hurts. once again, im really sorry. im such a bad ass. never seem to learn my lesson.

so..

my princess, jolene.

pls forgive your bad ass boyfriend.

he really loves you.

and he's feeling so awful now.

sweetheart, im sorry.

but i do love you.

-guiltridden-

2005-10-19T18:01:00.000+08:00

i've nothing much to type.

except that i have a freaking fever and hazardous cold!!

and

I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND!!! :((

2005-10-18T14:12:00.000+08:00

i read your blog. im really sorry. i've chose the girl i love. and she's jolene. and there's no way im gonna turn back the hands of time. i'll just sum it up for what happened on that night you decided to leave. and im really really sorry. there's nothing i can do to heal that pain. maybe the wrong choice you've made is to agree to be my girl and got hurt instead.. just blame it all on me.. if it makes you feel a lot better... i hope you'll find a love who will always be there to hold you tight.. to kiss you at night... i know its hard for you to move on. it'll be good if i just disappear from your life.. im really sorry.

i guess this song will sum it up everything. im sorry, xiangting. really sorry.

[ dont love you no more ( im sorry ) - craig david ]

For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold
(didn't you say)

If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl
(tell me)

Ok I know I was late again
I made you mad and then it's throwing the pan
But why are you making this drag on so long (i wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly games (silly games)

Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone (I see it all so clearly)

Me at the door with you inner state (inner state)
Giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

Don't say those words it's so hard
They turn my whole world upside down
Girl you caught me completely off guard
On the night you said to me
I just don't love you more.

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

remember when i said, "whenever there is a will, there'll be a way" im sure you're a strong lady. the xiangting i know is a independant lady, someone with alot of energy, the smiling girl and the party cat. i still want you to be the same girl that you are.. u know, you may not get the love from me but you have my friendship... i still love you, as my dear good friend. i care for you.

yes, i do remember. "i tried to go on like i've never knew you, im awake but my wold is half asleep, i pray for this heart to be unbroken, but without you all im going to be is incomplete..." i know i sang this to you before.. and those tears on your eyes were telling me, you dont love me anymore.. the xiangting i know doesnt cry whenever i touch her heart, she will just run to me and hug me tightly... but that night, you cried... and i know.. that the love is already gone..

that's when you took my hand and said "i dont love you anymore." do you know those words almost killed me? they are like a death sentence for me.. i dont know if i could even look you in your eyes at that point of time... and do you remember on that particular day? i had to perform at the cafe.. for the school performance..

i guess you remember the song... an jing.. i played and sang it at the same time... i didnt plan to sing that song.. but i just had to that night.. did you see the tears in my eyes? could you hear that shaky voice of mine,choking in tears?

once again, you cried..and again, i know, those are tears of guilt for hurting me... not because you're touched with what i've done.. and the feelings has totally gone.. you left halfway... left without a word and as i continued singing, i saw you left the care and my heart ached even more... and that night i know, its all over... there's no point asking for you back... and there's no point telling you all the pain i've inside... and i always have a question to ask you..

why did you hurt me like that?

[ ni zou le - li sheng jie ]

you have already made your leave. pls dont try to come back. im happy with her. im sure you understand what im trying to tell you. i understood that question you had in your blog.

let me answer it.

yes, i dont love you anymore.

does that help you to move on? i hope it does.

all the best xiangting. :)

2005-10-17T16:19:00.000+08:00

i was reading mygirl's blog.. and at times like this, when the festive season is coming, hari raya is arriving and stuff, and boey's mom was discussing about the gathering again on this weekend... it makes me feel im so blessed to have this family.

i might be from a broken family, lacking of daddy's love and etc.. but my uncles and aunties never seem to fail to fill up that extra love i needed from my parents. boey's parents especially. they love me as much as anyone else. and in fact, i've gotten more things than boey does. and boey never complains to me.. and she has been giving me more than any materialistic items can fill..

she gives me something that i've never forget - her love as a sister. i grew up with her and in fact, she was the one who taught me how to walk. i remember, she was only 5. well, i didnt really have clear picture of what actually happened, but i do have vague memories of her. that's why im especially close to her... because she's someone i've always respect. and that's precisely why im always very protective of her.. nobody is to hurt her, to make her feel unhappy etc etc..

and now im all grown up, she's too. but that never mean, we are still not close together. actually, with such close knitted family, we are especially close to each other and even staying quite near to each other. she's the best jie jie i ever had.. i still call her sister even though we are all so grown up now. and everyone says, we will be the next generation to look after our younger little cousins, nephews and nieces. well, im glad to take up that role as an elder brother to my younger cousins, just like she did.

alot of my friends asked me. "why are you so close to your cousins? im so envious of you." well, simply putting it this way, we grow up together. she saw me when i was a baby till im so much taller than her! *grins*

hee.. im so blessed to have a wonderful gf, fantastic friends and lovely family. thank god for everything... i'll treasure it.

2005-10-16T18:28:00.000+08:00

IM OFFICIALLY TIRED!

im in love. just in love. im so much in love with somebody. someone who keeps me smiling all the time.

but im dying to sleep...

so.. i shall go to sleep. :)

2005-10-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

Is it your smile or your laugh or your heart?
Does it really matter why I love you?
Anywhere there's a crowd, you stand out
Can't you see why they can't ignore you
If you wanna know Why I can't let go
Let me explain to you
That every little dream comes true
With every little thing you do

this is an extract of a song i've just heard. and i asked myself.. why am i so attracted to this part of the lyrics? "is it your smile, or your laugh or your heart? does it really matter why i love you?" seriously, it doesnt matter WHY. all it matters is, YOU are the REASON why i LOVE you. you are who you are. i just wanna let you know, you dont have to be afraid. you dont have to be insecure. i know, i've not really done much for you. but my heart is where you'll be. and even if an angel decides to take this heart away, or to tear it apart, that's not a problem for me, because then, my soul's with you..

i'll be that air you breathe, i'll be that softie bolster you'll be hugging, i'll lay down beside you, running my fingers through your hair and then i'll kiss you good night, good morning, good day, good evening and i'll just kiss you and kiss you and kiss you..

and when you're feeling all down and torn apart, i'll fix your heart with my love, patience and care.. and when you need that extra strength to push you along, i'll be right behind you.. guiding you. i'll take you to where the angels will sing to us everyday, where the heaven is our beautiful paradise and where my life is where i'll share it with you.

and i'll just kiss you and kiss you, hold and hug you tight, humming to you that beautiful melody of love and sing you a rhythm of happiness and when you're all sleepy and tired, in my arms, you'll lay.. and baby, i promise, i'll love you with all i can, with the mighty power i have, and its all for you.. darling.

and if that's enough, this song will tell you.. how much i really feel inside..and what i've always see you as..

And I often wonder why,
Someone as flawed as I
Deserves to be as happy as you make me
So as the years roll by
I'll be there by your sideI
'll follow you wherever your heart takes me
Cause you make everything that used to be so big
Seem to be so small since you arrived

On angel's winds, an angelical formation
Angel's wings, like letters in the sky
Now I know no matter what the question
Love is the answer
It's written on angel's wings

Now anyone who's felt the touch of heaven in their lives
Will know the way I'm feeling, looking
In my baby's eyes
That's why I can't bear to be too far away
I know that god must love me cause
He sent you to me on angel's wings

now this bold, yellow words, are exactly what i feel inside.. maybe god has shown me, his greatest creation of all, his perfectionist natural beauty of his many servants, he made you as the most beautiful and wonderful lady among all the females creation he has ever made..

and he must have spent a little more time on you... because mygirl, you're the most beautiful gem i've ever had... and his gracious, god has sent you to me... and he has made me the owner of this rare gem, and i'll never, NEVER ever trade you for any other gems, because i love and cherish this beautiful heart.

thank god for you.
and thank you for love.

and i love you.....

:)

p/s : alright, alright, you little monkeys out there, yes im mushy, and yes im soo soooo in lurve and you're all so jealousssssss but i really love this girl. thanks for the prayers and blessings. i love you guys too. and you guys belong to the different categories of gems, but this gem i have, she's beautiful. thank you. :)))

2005-10-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

once again, im a happy big boy! i gotta something i wanna share with the one i love! and that's you, yes you, the queen of my heart.

two very different people
too scared to get along
till two hearts beat together
underneath one sun

one very special moment
can turn a destiny
and what some would say
could never change
has changed for you and me

cause its all in the way you look through your eyes
and when all is said and done
all of the fear and all of the lies are
not hard to overcome
its all in the way you look at it
that makes you strong
we were two
now we are one...... westlife [ we are one ]

mygirl, we are no two people.
we are one.

two hearts beating as one.
we share our breath as one.
and everything i am is just for you..

like im one, for you only.

i love you. *muacks*

2005-10-10T16:52:00.000+08:00

im being a little happy boy that mygirl has changed me into. i wanted share with everyone i know.. including you. i didnt know, it affects you so bad. i didnt know, you havent got over me just as yet. you didnt tell me. you were the one who chose to leave me. leave me behind, and asked me to move on without you. i did just as what you told me to.. and then today, when you read my blog, you called me and said you miss me. what was that?

[ here without you - 3 doors down ]

after that phone call, i was listening to boey's mp3 player and heard this song.

*sings*

im here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind, i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time, im here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams, and tonight there's only you and me..

i dont ~~love~~ you anymore.. and there's nothing left in my heart for you to salvage. you know it. and when i was trying to get us back together, you told me hurting words that i've never heard from anyone before but you.. and whenever i called you, you were always with her. you said you still love her. and you said, you cant love me anymore. how would i know if those words were true?

you are always indecisive about everything. do you know, i wasnt very sure if i've made the right choice to love you. you broke my heart, not once, not twice but 3 times..

the very first time i laid my eyes on you, i know i have gotta love you. and it took me a while to get to know you, to get your number and etc etc. and when you told me you're a lesbian, i was absolutely crushed. but i didnt wanna give up. i will touch you with my love, my patience and perseverance because i believe everyone will change. and everyone has a chance to love.

it took me 3 years.. 3 years before i finally got you as the girl in my life. but of course, it was in a big turmoil. you and me. you and her. me and jolene. after sometime ,i decided to choose you over jolene because i loved you at that point of time. and we shared the passion of love ( i dont think i need to spell it out lah. ) just you and me. and you said im the first guy you ever fell in love with. and the first guy you lost your "virginity" with. haha.. i was only 18 and you made me sound like im 28. but anyway, that besides the point.

the point is, im already in love with her. and there's no way im gonna turn back the hands of time for us. you had your time, had your chance but you chose to wait, procastinate and indecisive about everything.. i cant wait for you forever.. i've waited 3 years ..and you still wanna me wait for more...

love comes and normally doesnt stay for long. but if u choose to embrace it and make an effort to stay, it will be there, for you forever, blissfully happy together. but if you dont choose to hold on to it, it will fade away..

i chose to take my leave. i cant stand the idea of waiting for you.... i've waited for far too long..im a man, a mortal not an immortal.. and love stories, the pure and the true.. all those are stories... fantasies...

but my heart crumbled when i heard your voice on the phone. the tinge of regret, the tears and that song accompanied you on the background.

i recognise that song..

[ hen xiang ni - zhang zhichen ]

you said.

you were right, shanle. i need you. i needed you. i was needing you and i know now, i need you. i've never realised it until i read your blog. your love declaration you have for her. instantly, i miss you. and i miss that constant care, constant smiles on your face and when you pamper me, i could almost feel you close to me. im not asking you to come back, im just telling you what im feeling inside for the past few months. i've denied you and i've lost you.. im sorry, shanle. i broke your heart, for the 4th time. but i'll always love you... you will acquire a special place in my heart.. i'll wait.

why? why are you telling me this? xiangting, why are you telling me this, now? i care for you as a friend, but you.. why are you always doing such things to me... always?! im really lost now.

i'll leave you with this song..

[ just once - james ingram ]

you should know this song, xiangting. and i want you to know, whatever i feel inside is said on this song.. listen to it.

2005-10-08T14:40:00.000+08:00

[ Lets Not Stop Falling In Love - Pink Martini ]

I wish a falling star could fall forever
and sparkle through the clouds and stormy weather
and in the darkness of the night, the star would shine a glimmering light and hover above our love

please hold me close and whisper that you love me
and promise that your dreams are only of me
when you are near, everything's clear
earth is a beautiful heaven
always i hope that we'd follow the star
and be forever floating above

i know a falling star cant fall forever
but lets never stop falling in love

when you are near everything's clear
earth is a beautiful heaven
always i hope that we'd shine like the star
and be forever floating above

i know a falling star can't fall forever
but lets never stop falling in love

do i need to say more?
i just dont wanna stop falling in love with you.

i just wanna make you mine forever.

i just wanna be with you everyday.

i just wanna hug you close to me everynight.

i just wanna be in your arms all the time.

i just wanna taste your lips on mine.

i just wanna feel you in my arms every second of your time.

i just wanna do what you make me wanna do.

and you..

make me wanna be a better man all the time.

make me wanna change to be the ideal guy you ever dream of.

make me wanna sit with you and just look at the stars in the darkest night.

make me wanna marry you.

make me wanna have a family with you.

make me wanna hit the keys of my piano and sing you a love song.

make me wanna write new songs to celebrate our love.

make me wanna be your only hubby in your entire life.

make me wanna work hard for everything that's worth for.

make me wanna be the best for you.

and your love..

touches me deep down in my heart.

changes me.

lights the fire in me.

warms my heart whenever im missing you.

clears my mind.

shines the light of love on me.

holds me together whenever i feel like giving up.

and that missing star in my life has fallen forever.
and its fallen into my arms.
and i shall embrace it with courage.
its love in purification.
its the colours of the rainbows that brighten up my days.
its the light that shines my path through.
its the touch of a sincere heart that calms me down.

and when the final breath has finally drawn..
that's when i'll stop loving you. :)

jolene.
my declaration of my love is just for you only.
you inspire me.
you cleanse my soul.

and everything you do.
and the power of your love.
the rhythm of your words.

just makes me loving you...

more and more...

I LOVE YOU!

:)))

and i miss you so. *hugs*

2005-10-06T19:14:00.000+08:00

we just had a sumptous dinner with all the family members sitting around the table. this is what i like about fasting month. its not only the holy month, but the month of being together as a family. i wanna share my time with mygirl that way too. just me and her, sitting on around the table, sharing the sweet moments together.

i havent really been a good boy to mygirl. i made her angry. she cried. and the words i've said were so hurting. and i just wanna tell mygirl, that yourboy is very sorry for what he has done. will u forgive me, mygirl? yourboy loves you so much!! *muacks*

hmm... i cant type much. because mybabybrother is wailing at the top of his lungs. i think his diapers needed change. and somehow my cousin, boey just refuses to change his diapers. she finds it too revolting. she can only make milk, bathe him, change him into his new clothers, and everything else, anythign else EXCEPT FOR CHANGING HIS DIAPERS! *looks at boey* and she's laughing. great. i have a SADISTIC cousin for a change today.

let me tell you something about myself. but first i shall change my diapers, oops, i mean my baby brother's diapers. -runs off to change diapers-

im back. im quite ready to be a daddy! mygirl, im hinting! *winks*

ok. as i promise. my life.. im the only child of mommie and daddy. daddy has remarried and has few kids on his own. im on good terms with his 2nd family. not that i wanted to but i mean, after all, we are one family. if you cant forgive them, how can we forgive ourselves or even outsiders? right?

but.. its never easy being a victim of a divorced couple. when i was younger, mommie was affected by daddy's infidelity and his nonsense, i was the victim. she would hit me, scold me and sometimes, i'll get scars or marks all over me. the more she hit me, the more i hated daddy.

haha.. its all over now. all happy family now and mom's very happy with the new bundle. the new happiness of our family. baby wong fernell mohamed. huang banghao. that little rascal. he's 5 months old now. mommie loves him so much. i think he's going to be another mommie's boy just like me!

i think mygirl cannot stand my mommie's boy antics. right, mygirl? but nevertheless, im sure mygirl loves herboy right? *grins*

ok dokie. im gonna take my baby brother for his evening walk. he is such a rascal. he knows his routine pretty well and if you're late, he will start crying. somehow, i think we have given in too much to him. time for a change, fernell! :P

i shall continue next time. tata. and mygirl, yourboy loves you so much. *muacks*

2005-10-06T10:19:00.000+08:00

this is just for you to read.
and some selected peeps.

shall continue in the next episode of "my name is shanle" ..

2005-10-05T22:14:00.000+08:00

this is a letter from me to you.

dearest.
i know i was at fault. and i know, i was outrightly unreasonable. im really sorry. pls forgive me. as mentioned in my previous blog. those are my strongest qualities of being a typical guy.

im sorry. im really sorry. im really really sorry. im sorry. even if u cant forgive me, i'll still say im sorry. you can hate me. you can dont want me anymore. i will not say anything..

i mean, i'll really let you lead your own life.. i'll just mind my own business. suddenly i couldnt find words to say..

but dear, im really really sorry.... really sorry....

2005-10-05T19:56:00.000+08:00

mcp.
jerk.
asshole.
unreasonable.

these are my best qualities.
there are my strengths.

and i have a girlfriend who doesnt understand me.
wait. i cant even understand myself.

im beginning to be like daddy.
controlling every aspect of mommie's life.

when i was little boy, i remember daddy was scolding mommie.
because she went out with her friends.
and daddy didnt like the idea.

i told myself, i shouldnt be like daddy.
mommie and daddy quarrelled most of the time.
and mommie decided to leave daddy.

daddy was heartbroken.
but he knows it was all his fault.

but now daddy has changed.
he has been less controlling.

even after mommie divorced daddy.
daddy was still controlling mommie.

eventually mommie began to hate him.
and that's when i completely lost touch with daddy.
until i was in secondary school.

and up till now, we are still a gd family
just incomplete.

i grew up without daddy's love.
but when i saw daddy again.
i know, and i swear.
i'll never be like daddy.

but now...

i think... im him.

the younger version of him.

what am i supposed to do now?
am i lacking of daddy's love?

or im just becoming like daddy?

should i leave her?
maybe she will be better without me.
at least, there's no one to control her.

but i love her.

tell me.
what i should do?